Despite all these festive going on, it still hurts inside. The nightmares are back again, and they are coming back with twice the agony it used to carry. I want to slip past reality, back into my comfort zone and relish in the momentary happiness. I want to cuddle up in strong arms, knowing that I'll be safe with you around. But despite all this hurt and pain, I want to be able to wipe that tear streaked face you have hung upon your face, and replace it with a heart-warming smile. Because what matters most, is your happiness over mine. 

I hope one day, I can tell you the truth about how I feel... and never regret this.

 

31 December 2013

Things are just messed up. 

Between us. 

Everything.

I thought I was stronger than this, I earnestly believed that I could hold on to this strong feelings and keep them at bay; but the truth is that I'm constantly fighting battles in my head, I'm running about in circles, and lying to myself that this doesn't hurt. I understand, truly, that we in all honesty will never be anything more than friends. 

Yes, I'll admit that I'm falling hard and fast for you, that it's too late for me to go back to being who I was before I realized all these and be nothing more that friends. It's unpredictable what would happen, and I'm too much of a coward to take the risk. Because I don't want to lose the people that I love again, I don't have faith that I can still hold on strong if I was to lose anyone that I love.

It still strikes me as clear as day that very moment that he walk out from my life, that moment when he gave up on life, that deafening silence when he cried out his last breathe. I'm scared, no, I'm terrified. I don't dare walk through another similar episode, I dare not to let the past that I've desperately buried come back to life. It feel surreal.

Looking back, the way I used to look at him and unconsciously have a smile growing on my face; the way I always enjoyed every moment spent with him, listening to his problems for hours on end; the way I was so ready to jump into any situation to help him... All these strong feelings I had then, I have now; only stronger towards you. But I don't want to ruin the friendship that we share... 

My mind is in turmoil as I desperately try to let you go and forget you, against wanting to hold you closer and tell you the truth. I guess this is how it feels like to want something so badly, and yet you force yourself not to reach out and grab it. 

I sometimes think that the worst part of it all is not being able to remember what had transpired or how I felt clear as day but not knowing how I should see it. When I see you I feel this chill that runs down my spine. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. It throws me completely off guard and when we crossed paths I cannot think. I wished I have never realized my feelings towards you, because it fucking hurts each time I had to confess them to the prying curiosity of others. Knowing full well that nothing will ever happen between us, I never wanted to admit my feelings, because it hurts, it damn fucking hurts. It's extremely hard not to wallow in self pity, from all the false hopes instilled by others. I cannot empty my thoughts, I am not in control of how I feel towards you anymore. 

Honestly, I love you more than what I could have ever imagined possible. Those butterflies in my stomach, are relentless each time our paths cross; each time you pat my head in concern, each time you throw snide remarks over, each time you show your concerns in your own way possible, each time you lift my spirits whenever I'm down... 

Although it may seem small, but these little actions sums up to a lot for me. I'm hopeless when it comes to romance, because I'm scared. I don't want a repeat of what transited in the last few years, I don't want to make the same mistake again, I don't want to watch the one I love slip through my fingers again. But after everything has transpired, I don't want to lose this friendship that we now share... 

I love you, but I guess we'll never be anything more than best friends.