I’ve been typing and deleting every fucking sentence over and over… the incoherent sentences, and the broken language, made me realize just how fucked up the story of my life is… 

It’s a constant battle of opening doors and windows. As much as I love to open up completely to the people I hold dear, I’m always afraid. I am fucking cowardly, and am always worried over nothing. But I don’t want to be that person to be hurt again. Yes I’m selfish, I rather hurt others before they get the chance to hurt me, because I can’t take another blow to my heart; shattering my years of effort in piecing everything up…

Looking at everything now, it dawned upon me that time would pass us all by soon; everyone I hold dear would be walking away from me. I’m scared, and worried to no end. Selfish as it may seem, I don’t want them to go, I don’t want to lose the people I hold dear anymore. One is more than enough… Please tell me that you guys would stay, because I don’t know what would happen if I lose you.

You hold a special place in my heart, regardless. I can’t picture myself losing you again. I realized just how much you guys mean to me after today. I can't let you guys go, not anymore. 

It really hurts, because I know how much you guys care about me. Call me selfish, but I'm frightened. Indeed, it is heartening to know that you guys care for about me, but then again, what can I give back to you guys? Life, it's unpredictable. I honestly don't know how much time I have, able to spend it with you guys. It scares me to no end, yet i don't want you guys to be worried for me. I'm not sure if I am ready for the big reveal... but everything is starting to close in onto me. We're all still young, you guys shouldn't have to be worried about my problems, and instead chase your dreams. All I can give you guys, is to let you go... I refuse to be the one hold you back from achieving greater things, yet I want to hold on to whatever we have now and never let go. 

"Don't make your problem, my problem." I heard this sentence too many times. I want to let out my problems, and tell all of you what’s going on exactly, but it feels choked up each time I try to spill. I know I shouldn't but I can't help but break down from time to time. I need a release from this hell. I want to be free again! I feel trapped inside this capsule, and no matter where I run, I'll end up where I started; back to the fucking same hell.

I feel bounded to where I'm at. I can't fight all my fears, I can't run away. And everything is coming onto me so quickly... I'm at a loss. I dare not turn to you guys, because it'll just make you guys worry more for nothing... I can't turn to anyone for help even if it means that I'll drown. 

Its' shit, because the more time I spend with you guys, the harder it is for me to let go and move on. I don't want to lose you guys to my fears; but every night, I fall apart... 

"In hell I stay, from heaven I run." I know I can't constantly run from my problems, but I honestly am at a loss for what to do. It hurts, it fucking hurts. I don't want to keep running in circles anymore. 

You guys mean so much to me, that its' harder for me to tell the truth. I'm afraid that every one of you would turn away from me, or be burdened with my problems. I'm scared of how each of you would react to what I say, because it's killing me inside and I don't want to hide anymore. 

I used to think that I could do things alone, that I don't need anyone. I was so confident that I could stand on my own, and carry my weight. But I now know that I was wrong. But I am bounded by a promise to not let others feel my pain. Yet at the same time, my walls are falling. I'm breaking apart, and there's nothing I can do about it. I fucking hate myself for being so weak, for being unable to hold my own bloody weight. 

I feel so empty inside despite being surrounded by all my friends. I can't feel the pain inside anymore, because it’s numbing. 

Every night, I pray that everything would be alright, and nothing would go wrong.

Every night I hope that the past was nothing more than a dream.

Every night, I wish that it was just my imagination, that nothing could go wrong.

Every night, I look forward to a new day; a better life despite the hurtful past.

Every night, I question my sanity and wonder if anyone would ever understand me.

Every night, I just fall apart slowly…

I'm sick and tired of running and hiding! Maybe someday, I’ll grow out of this fear... But for now, I really don't know what I can do, and it's killing me inside... I need a break from reality; I can't stay here and let things happen again.