How can I be
the 'brave' girl that you always wanted? How can I keep fighting on, when the
odds are against me? How can I keep up this façade and smile as if it's not
hurting inside? How can I lie to myself when I know it’s nothing is going to
change. It's not that easy anymore… I’m not the same person I was before
anymore. Things change, and everyone moved
on, everyone but me…
People
come, and people go. It’s simple, just like that. In the end; I’ll still have
to face up to all the challenges by myself. Yet I was foolish enough to think
that he would stay, and embrace the world along with me, but who was I kidding,
we started out slow and it ended swiftly.
“There were places we would go, at midnight; there were secrets that nobody else would know; there’s a reason but I don't know why.”
– Hilary Duff (Who’s that Girl?)
I had this
beautiful dream, this great escape. Everything was all perfect, but nothing
ever really last. My world came crashing down upon me. Things took a turn for
the worst, and I walked on shielding myself away from the world. It’s been different
since then. I couldn’t bring myself to smile, I couldn’t talk to others without
fear, and hell; I couldn’t walk forward without turning around every two steps
or so. I was scared shitless. Where were you? What happened to all our
promises? What happened to the little secrets that we shared? When, when
exactly did I lose you?
I always
ponder upon this question; why exactly did you walk out from my life
completely?
Did I disgust
you so much that you had to walk away? Did I do something wrong, something irreparable?
Were we two strangers that were never meant to be? Was I really that of a
burden to you? I’ll never be able to hear your reasons, will I? It’s not like
you will be coming back anytime soon to answer my questions. I really need to
accept the fact that you’re no longer around, and would never comeback… I
guess, I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done wrong, I’m sorry that I’ve let
you down, I’m sorry.
I’ve
thought a lot for the past few nights that I’ve spent awake, wasting my life
away. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but regardless of how I look at things, it
will still be my fault, I’ll still be the root of all this commotion. I let
things happen, I could have stopped it, I could have. But instead I did nothing
but let things happen. I watched you walked away from everyone, and I didn’t do
a thing to stop you from leaving. I should have, shouldn’t I? I’m sorry, but I
just can’t apologize enough for all the things that I’ve done wrong.
I can’t
assure you that I’ll never go back to wallowing and hurting myself again. I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t take the responsibility
for anything that happens from this point on. I can’t keep the little promises
that I’ve made with you before. But I promise you that I’ll walk forward, and try to see things from a
different light, taking baby steps.
I don’t seek
for your forgiveness; in fact, I hope that you’ll never forgive me. For all the
things that I’ve done, I don’t deserve any of this that I have right now. I’ve
fucked up a lot, and I can’t change that. As I try to amend for my mistakes, I end
up nowhere and fuck things over again, don’t I? I really don’t know where to go
from here anymore.