12August2013
This particular weekend getaway wasn't just any ordinary
one. It was an extra ordinary one whereby not only a lesson taught, it was also
an experiential journey. I've learnt a
lot from this experience, and understood the importance of a leader, and what a
leader really is.
Before this, I’ve never really gave much thought to what
being a leader is, or what where the expectations on me. Looking back, I’ve
realized I’ve always been trying to live up to someone’s expectations, to make
someone proud of me. But are these gestures really necessary?
The recent trip to Palau Dayang for my Advanced Diving
Course had taught me so much more than I could have learnt from school. It
taught me to be independent, to be forward looking, to serve others without compromising
myself and also to be a leader others can look up to.
Being a leader is not just being in charge, it's not about
the fame and recognition, it's not about yourself, but more importantly, it's
about the people you serve. The pressure weighted on me to guide the rest out
in the open without an instructor; how was I supposed to lead them? Will I be
able to keep them safe? Can I really be a leader to other? It was really
stressful, and a lot to take in. But I know I couldn’t give up, at least not
just yet.
18August2013
“Follow your heart."
"Keep pressing on."
"Don’t regret your actions."
"Let your dreams take flight.”
It’s really easier said than done. It never dawned upon me
how complicated it could really get. I
tried my best, but it never seemed like enough. I feel as though my mindlessly
wondering around without any direction, or motive. How can I guide others, when
I can’t narrate myself? How am I supposed to let go and fly, when there’s just
so much pulling me back?
I know I’ve said this a million times but really, I am exhausted
from running everywhere, I’m tired of chasing someone I don’t know, I’ve had
enough of this blind chase. Enough of all the lies, of all the hopeless attempts
at trying to be optimistic.
I did say that I wouldn’t give up so easily, and keep
pressing on. But it honestly isn’t that simple. Every single thing that I do
reminds me of you. It reminded me about how I didn’t spend that little time I
had with you wholeheartedly, of how I didn’t give much efforts to keep you here
with me… Every fucking moment reminds me of you, of how you left me there in
the alley and never turned back, of how you left me alone without regrets. I
feel pathetic for letting you fuck me over, for letting you go when I could be
your pillar of strength, for giving up on you when I swore I’ll never let go.
I needed you to know that I regretted every minute after you’re
gone. I needed you to know that you are my pillar of strength. I needed you to
know that you were my first and only. I needed you to know that I didn’t mean
to break our promises. I needed… you.
“Let go of the past, look forward to the future, embrace the
present.”
How could I go on and embrace the future, when I can’t stop
looking back? Every single day, I look forward to seeing you again, to hearing
your angelic voice, to snuggle into your warm embrace; and every single day, I
am met with emptiness.
I’ve got to confess that I had great times with my friends;
I’ve managed to smile genuinely; I’ve tried to live my life to the fullest; all
these with a tinge of emptiness inside. I did try to embrace the present, to
press on and not regret my actions, but everything comes with a price. It wasn’t
an easy fleet to conquer, and as promised I didn’t give up. However, all good
things must come to an end, don’t they?
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing;
because I know that everything happened for a reason, and all the sweet moments
are waiting after this stretch of darkness. Everything that I’ve been through
had all but made me stronger and made me who I am today. Although the future is
still a blur, I know that it would be a beautiful one that you had planned out
for me. It does feel funny without you by my side, but I know you’ll always be
here with me, and I’ll never let go of that.
I may forget our promises, every moment spent with you, or
how you made me feel, but I’ll never be able to forget that you’ve came into my
life and lighted it up for me.
Someday; I’ll look forward to meeting you again. Except for
today, I’ll live in this moment and relish the memories while anticipating a pleasurable
future.