Perhaps we're both taking things too fast. I'm scared, and filled with so much insecurities. It probably doesn't mean much to you, but it's everything to me. Every single time you comment on my flaws, I felt as though I'm inferior to you, that I will never match up to you. I'm trying to change. To be someone you can be proud of, I'm not giving up. But each time you said that you'll leave, it brings tears to my eyes.
I know that I am not good enough, that I will never be. That despite my efforts, I'll still be inferior. I've always thought that if I try hard enough, I'll be able to make it, that I'll succeed. But not anymore, time after time, I've tried my best, yet still failed to meet your expectations. In the end, you made me feel like some hopeless idiot who's trying so hard for nothing.
Given that you care so much about how you look, I've already tried my best to not embarrass you. To be someone you can feel proud of, but even I can tell that I’m not. Sometimes, I even feel sorry for myself. You said that I’ve changed, but I’m not the only one. But just because it seems like you’re the one who keeps giving in to me, doesn’t make you the wise and generous one. Because you’ll never see it when I give in to you, because perhaps, sometimes the problem doesn’t lie with others, but with you.
“Just because I don’t meet your expectations, doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough.” This sentence that he told me once before, I never did believe, but now I do. Because regardless of how hard I try to improve in myself, your expectations just seems to get further and further away from me. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t good enough, yet I believed I should not compare myself to others. After so much, I find myself constantly trying to be better than others, to make you recognise me. Why? What has changed that made things so different? Why aren’t we like how we were before?
Maybe I was at fault too. I could have tried harder to be so much better, but I chose not to. Regardless, am I the only one at fault? It’s not even funny anymore. When you said that you’ll go find someone better, am I not good enough? Do you not care how much it hurts me to think that you’ll find someone else, even after all that we’ve been through? You told me, “What’s the point of apologizing, if I don’t learn from my mistakes?” And I’ll ask the same to you. We’ve both cried so much because of this, we’re both hurt from it too.
Because your random flare up scares me. Because your every word fucking hurts.
‘You’re inferior.’
‘Try to slim down.’
‘She looks so much better.’
‘Try to be more like that girl.’
‘Why are you so stupid?’
‘I’ll go find some other girl, who’ll love me more.’
‘I’ll find a new girl.’
Etc.
You made me feel as though the only reason you’re staying, is because you don’t want to be labelled as a jerk. Because after all that we’ve been through, you felt it wasn’t right to let go, even if you don’t feel the same anymore? Before, none of this ever mattered. You didn’t care if I was ‘slower’ than others, you didn’t care if I didn’t look good, you didn’t care about how others would look at you. What changed? You said I’ve changed, but you did too.
Every night, I reflect on our days. I think about what has changed between us, I wondered if I was at fault. I tried means and ways to change myself for the better. To become someone you can be proud of, to become your ideal girl. But in the end, all I got was that I’ve changed? That I’m not the same anymore? If so, tell me what am I suppose to do?
Why has so much changed in this short period that we both shared? Can’t we both go back to day 1 and relieve all that we’ve shared? About what we shared, what we both felt? I want the ‘old’ you back.
Is this relationship based on a false pretence? Or is this just temporary?
Labels: You.