The past few days had been a living nightmare for me. I could barely focus on the things that I was doing, I couldn’t bring myself to accept this new found truth. I spent nights bawling away, wishing all this is nothing but a painful nightmare, only to realize in the morning it isn’t and I’ve got to live up to reality. How long has it been since I’ve had a proper good night rest? I don’t even remember. Sleepless nights; hopeless dreams; and a frail piece of hope, which is probably just a fragment of my imagination.

Learning how to do things, going back to the basics. I guess I’ve got to pull up my courage and fact the truth of the matter. It doesn’t matter anymore if you hate me or despise me because of what I’ve done. I know nothing that I do now, would be sufficient enough to make it up to you, and I gravely apologize to you. I wish things didn’t turn out this way, but it did. I’m sorry.

“I wanna be blown away.
I wanna be swept off my feet.
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe.
I wanna be lost in love.
I wanna be your dream come true.
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you.”
(B-e-a-utiful – Megan Nicole)
I can’t live without something to lean on, but I can’t live with the guilt of hurting you, even more so. Knowing that I couldn’t stop the inevitable future of mine, the least I could do is to try to change yours. You don’t need to suffer with me, and go through all these.

In making my decision to leave you, it hurts so fucking bad. I went on sleepless nights, harping on this for days and weeks. I couldn’t find a better way to break it to you. I know either way it’s going to hurt you badly. But it hurts me equally bad. Till today, I’ve barely gotten enough sleep to relish the peacefulness of sleeping. It makes me wonder which one I would give in to first; fatigue, or illness.

Drowning myself in the luxurious variety of love songs/emotional songs, hoping to relieve the hurt and pain. The decision to walk out on you, was the gravest decision I’ve ever made. And I regret it dearly. But I can’t turn back time, I can’t change the truth, I can only watch as you grow to live without me and move on in life. Yes, it’s better this way. You move on with your life, getting on, leaving me behind. I guess I was never meant to enjoy the happiness of two. As much as I hate to see you leave, as much as I want you, I’ve got to kill my heartfelt feelings and walk away. I’ve got to make my stand, for you, for a brighter future without me.

I love you.

I love you, hence I’ll leave you to your life.

I love you, thus I’ll give you back you, to not hold you down.

I love you, that’s why I’m walking away.

Without a doubt, I love you.

I hope you’ll understand me. I’m not asking for forgiveness, but just understanding. It’s not your fault, but mine. My last request, is that you’ll take care of yourself, find your happiness, and to excel in everything that you do. I may not be here with you, but my heart will always be yours.