Maybe we’re not meant to be; or that we’re still young; that everything was still out of our league. Life is not the same and it will never be the same. Never again. After all that has happened… from the first day, till now, I don’t even know what to feel about this anymore, I don’t even know myself anymore. It’s like I’ve become someone else; someone not me; someone I don’t recognize; someone… distant. I’m sorry I’m not the person that you wished for me to be. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though we’re both slipping apart, slowly distancing ourselves away, both you and me. Maybe I'm overreacting. But I just can't live without anything to lean on. I feel like I'm falling. Free fall through the dark. And I'm afraid if I grab onto you I'll just drag you down with me. I'll never be able to let go. Thank you though. For being with me all these while, for helping me through all my ups and downs, for all that you’ve done for me, for everything in this past 8months.
You probably don’t know what it feels like to have to force a smile out, to lie your way through every single time, that everything you do is but just another lie, so people won’t see just how sad you are; or how broken you are inside. Maybe I've deluded myself all this time. But all my life reality has never met my expectations. I thought... maybe you could change that. I honestly believed in us, and what you could change in me. But maybe I was wrong, I was dead wrong, you weren’t the one changing me, I did, unknowingly. Maybe it’s for the better? Or maybe not.
I probably don’t, and never will meet up to your expectations. Still so young and hopeful… it hurts. I’ve shut off the world, maybe I shouldn’t have let you in, I shouldn’t have given in to my feelings. Perhaps it’s another mistake. I don’t know anymore, I don’t know what to do, or what to feel anymore. It’s lonely. From where I stand, it’s as if I’m watching you walk away, leaving me, and never returning. I’m scared. Scared of losing you, scared of hurting you, scared of this life, scared of what this may bring. Every thing's just a goddamn string of unfortunate events. Everyone’s got enough on their mind to put up with my crap. Maybe you don't want to put up with it either. Maybe I'm making a big fuss out of nothing. But I just wish you knew how hard it is to keep my tears in as I type this post out. I miss you.
I don’t know what to think, or what to do. I don’t even care anymore. What’s the point? Let’s just stop; stop all this; stop trying; stop hurting; stop caring; just… stop. You deserve better, you don’t need me. I might as well stop here. I’ve tried, maybe not enough, but I’ve tried. I’ve set my resolve on staying strong; to not break down easily; to force a smile and laugh as if nothing’s wrong every day; to hide the pain and hurt inside, but there’s just something about you, that made me forget my resolve, that made me let down my guard and let you in, that made me… weak. I’m breaking apart inside, bit by bit, slowly, and I can’t handle this anymore. I just want to break down, and fall apart.I thought I was stronger than this, because maybe, before all this I could at least hide my pain and hurt, hide my tears, and not break down in front of others, but after we went along, it broke. I couldn't hide my pain, or stop my tears from flowing, and needed you to comfort me. It was only then, that I realized how weak I truly was.
Honestly, I don’t care what happens from now. It doesn’t matter anymore. I… probably lost myself, somewhere along this path, falling apart. I don’t even know who I am. Who is that girl I see, staring back at me, each time I face a mirror? It hurts to know that you’re there, yet you’re not. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t see myself, but someone else; someone I don’t recognize; inside of me. Or perhaps, I’ve just given up on myself, a long time ago. Everything went by a blur, for this past 8 months or so. The only thing that I was confident, and so sure in, was that I loved you from the bottom of my heart, that I loved you truly, and will never stop loving you. But if there comes a time, where you’ll have to leave, don’t hesitate over me; that you’ll be true to yourself, that you do not change for the sake of others, this is all I ask from you.
Je serai à toi pour toujours, ma chère.