It feels hard, and probably impossible to walk out of what I’ve fallen into before. I’ve told myself countless of times, that I had to put down my past, and everything I used be before, just to walk into a new light, to walk into a brighter future with him. It was hard, and hurts each time I see him feeling sad because of me, of my past. I always wanted something that could be considered normal, something I could at least feel normal about. I guess I’ll never be able to achieve that anymore.

Turning pages, flipping through memories, creating new. It’s all that makes up who I am, of who I’ll be. I don’t want to be the one who always has to give in, to always have to make it up for others. Why can’t I just be me for once? To shout out to the world what I want, to let the world know what they never knew. Nostalgic memories from old photographs, of who I used to be, a lively little girl, someone who fits in to the crowd; not anymore. A little introvert, timid, and insecure about myself.

The meeting up with relatives, hearing them tell their stories. Stories from back into the past, stories of what my younger days are like. Shows me a whole new perspective, of what things are like. Getting to slowly understand many of the unwritten past. Learnt of my hometown, of my past, of a whole new family, I don’t get to meet often. Stories of good and bad, of the pain and hardships everyone went through, makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. It brought me back to thinking about us, and all that we’ve been through this past 6 months.

And of all these many things, I realized that I’ve hardly ever did things for myself. I’ve realized that I was always trying to please someone, always trying to make others accept me, always changing, always hurting myself and others in the process. I never did things I wanted to, personally. Always going with the flow, with the crowd, just to feel ‘in place’. I don’t wish to stay like this anymore, I’m not going to hurt you anymore, I don’t ever wish to. Please, I’ll do my best, so give me a chance.

The future is still a blur. I’m still on the fence, unable to pick out the right choices, the right course I should take. Like in a maze, faced with the crossroads, each and every turn would lead you to unknown destinations, to unknown dangers and fears, yet you’re forced to move only forward, unable to turn back, and give up. As if it’s an onwards maze, that there won’t be anything for you to fall back upon, for you turn to back to.

To build a future; creating a happiness that I’ve always longed for, together with you. True enough that we’ll all never know what might happen, or how we’ll all end up like. But I’m still going to risk this, still going to risk my all for everything. Always longing to be normal, I’ve never like being different, and never felt as if I fit in, forever out of place. But now, I’ve learnt that being different, is to just be myself, to get acceptance for just being myself, and not trying to fit in. Yes, I might still have issues with people saying that I’m different from others, but I’m going to learn to accept them all.

I might not have the best past, might not have the best happy ending, and might not be able to give you a prefect and happy present. But I promise that I’ll create a happiness that only we can share, that’s only possible with us. There may be pain, hurt, and possible regrets, but please don’t give up on me. I don’t know what I’ll morph into anymore without this. Not anymore.

To realize the many things in this world, the good and the bad, that everything happens for a reason, that even if it’s bad, it’s not the end. I have woman, you, grandpa, bright, and many others whom are always there for me when I needed them. I’ve just got to build up my confidence in myself and others. I’m not going to deny my past, but learn from it, to build a brighter and happier future.

I hope this isn’t going to be another mistake I’m making, because I’m not going to regret anymore.