Why is it that, even though I'm all alone, it's so fucking loud inside. The silence, is making it hard to think, hard to concentrate on the things that should have been priority. I don't want to think. If there weren't consequences, I'll have sighted my fall, I'll have made a mess out of myself, it's hard to think, there's no point in it anyway. I'm so fucked up! That it's all useless.
Maybe letting you leave, is the best that I can do for you. Because, I don't wish to tie you down, I want you to be happier than you are now. Being with me, it's only just going to hurt you more. Maybe I should just let go, despite how much I want to hold you close, I'm going to have to let you go. I'm going to just sacrifice this, and let you go. After all, letting it go now, before you fall in along with me, is going to hurt you less then later on.
I pray that everything is going to be alright. I'm not even going to try, or be confident about it. There's really no point in this. I've seen what this can lead to, and I know confidence doesn't really change anything. Sincerely, I wish the best for you. If you see this, you're probably going to hate me, probably going to blame yourself. Probably. I don't know. But whatever, don't blame this upon yourself. It's my fault. Everything is.
As much as I hate this, as I hate myself for all this. I don't regret the things I've done. I love you. I love you so fucking much. And this, itself, will not change. But it fucking hurts a lot to know that you're hurting the one you care so much about. To know that the reason why they're sad, is you. Don't deny this, everything, it's my bloody fault. I'm the cause of all your sad moments, of all the hurt you're feeling. I hate this. Hate feeling like some useless idiot, who can only stand here helplessly, watching you suffer, and hear that you say, "It's fine, I'm okay." when clearly, you aren't. I'm not blind, not stupid, not totally as naïve as I seem.
If things were much more simple than this, there wouldn't have been so much problems. Sadly, it's not as simple. And to bring you down along with me, is the last thing I want happen to you. I'm sorry.
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9 October 2011
**I was afraid, and still am. I didn't dare to post this, for fear of losing you. Yes, i mentioned that I'm going to let you go, but the hurt from letting you go, I don't wish to experience it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've let you down. I'm sorry to have lied to you. I'm so fucking sorry. I should have known better. Sorry.
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3 November 2011
***I never really intended to post this up, but after all that happened, I don't want to try anymore. I just don’t want to fight on anymore. Before, I wanted to just give up without trying, because I thought it'll all just be for naught. I didn’t dare to. After persuasions, from you, and woman… I placed myself up for it; I decided to at least try. But each time I tried, I’ll only hurt you deeper each time. I’ll only pull you back into the darkness with me. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to try anymore. It really doesn’t matter if you hate me, despise me, or whatever. All that matters is that you’ll get over me soon (hopefully), move on, and be so much happier. And I’ll just disappear from your life completely. It hurts, but I suppose it’s for the best.
There’s going to be someone out there, someone so much better than me, someone who’s going to be worth it. Who’s going to treat you right, who’s not as screwed up as I am. You deserve so much better, than just me. I’m sorry I’ve tried so hard to match up, sorry for everything, but most of all, sorry for pulling you down with me. I’m sorry for trying.
My only wish is that you’ll forgive me for this. It’ll definitely hurt a whole lot knowing that you hate me, and stuff. It’s already hurting as I typed each word of this post-out out, but either ways, it’ll still hurt sooner or later.
Life always plays me out. Always. First, I was rejected, twice. Then the one I trusted so much, left. My family wasn’t much of a help, and they blamed me for everything, expects too much from me. My only solace was you… But life just has to play things out. I don’t want to burden you. You’re going to be better off without me. I love you. But if holding you close meant that I was going to hurt you, then I’ll rather hurt in silence, all by myself.