I really don't want to be part of a shadow, anymore.

You always make me feel inferior, and not up to it, to never be able to make the cut. I know, you're smart, you're the best, and the world literally revolves around you. You demand so much from me, why? I’m just me, a small child inside, someone who’ll never match up to your expectations, or anyone else’s expectations. I’m nobody; I’m someone who doesn’t even match up to you. I’m sorry, but I’m just not up for the title.

Because sometimes, simply smiling and laughing, isn’t enough to mask the sadness inside of me. It’s just that simple, not complicated. Yes, I appear to you, as the sister who is forever cheerful, an enthusiast, someone who doesn’t have any problem, who isn’t so smart, who is just happy with the way things are. Sadly, that’s just the surface, just the tip of the iceberg.

I fucking had enough of all these pretence. I had enough. Nothing, no words, could possible express just how much I’m feeling right now, or just how much I want to give up on everything. Imagine yourself, every single day, having to put up a smile, having to pretend that you’re fine, having to act all hyper and crazy… It’s not easy, nothing ever is. You have your moments, where you just want to be alone, and just break down; I have mine too, but I never get. It’s tiresome to put up a front every single day, but it seems impossible not to.

I know I’m bad at making choices, I’m horrible at doing the right things, and I can’t do things by myself. But I’ve got to try, somehow. I need to, I’ve got to, there doesn’t seem to be anyway out from this, but to brace the pain, and hurt, and disgust of all this. I’m thankful, though. I’ve got my friends; YuanJin, ZongZe, Aqmal, Nevin, and Samantha; they’re always there for me. They never fail me. I know that for them, they have their own problems; I don’t wish to burden them with mine. It is enough for them to just be there for me, and just stay, not requesting much from me. Letting me show that childish side of me; that retarded side, that silly face, that part of me which I hide even from my parents. Maybe this, is my form of escape, being with them, gives me a moment of peace, a minute of freedom, a second of happiness, and timeless fun, and enjoyment.

Times when I just want to escape from here, from reality, I’ll just break down. I’ll hug and hold myself up, to prevent myself from falling apart. I want to step into the light, to step out from the shadows. I just want to be me; is this, it is just too much to ask for?