It’s past midnight; and it’s pouring heavily outside. All cuddled up, in the corner of my room, hugging on to the bits and pieces of ‘Us’, making sure that I won’t ever forget. Reading all our past messages, from the start, brought tears. It’s like we drifted, even though we weren’t as close. There’s this stinging feeling inside. Those of which, would make me feel nausea, make me think that perhaps none of this should be. Times like this, all I want, is to hide away from reality, doesn’t matter if I just disappear, doesn’t matter if I just died, doesn’t matter anymore. Because reality hurts so fucking much more than my dreams.

That dream, it somehow managed to grip onto all my fears. It brought up all the pain and hurt, I’ve tried to bury. So much, I didn’t dare tell. I was, and still am, afraid. Afraid of the things I didn’t know. Afraid of the unpredictable future.

You have no idea how much it took from me, to not let you just come in, and make me put down all my walls, just so that I won’t have to suffer all these hurt again. But I clearly failed. I let you in. I took away my protective walls. I did so, because I knew I can’t turn you away, because I know just how much you meant to me. You don’t know how much it took from me to not let myself fall deeper. I don’t dare to.
You have no idea how much it hurts to tell you to leave me, and find someone better. How much it hurts to push you away. It's as if a part of me was ripped off, was thorn away. It hurts so fucking much, because I love you.

You deserve so much more. I’m just going to pull you down along with me. It’s not worth it. And despite how fucking much I want to be with you, a part of me, will always stop myself, for knowing that I’m not good enough for you, I’m never going to measure up, I’m not able to give you what you want.

And even though I really love you, or that I found my forever in the five minutes we were together. It’ll hurt, to know that I’m always hurting you. I’m always causing you problems. Maybe it’s me, I’m pushing myself away from us. But it fucking hurts.
I’m not going to hurt myself, I’ve promised you this. But then again, where, or what can I do to find release from all of this?