Is probably what I tell myself every day. Remember the time when I (accidently) let the cat out of the bag… I just hope things are going to be fine this time. He can’t know! He shouldn’t know that I still like him! It’ll just be going against all that I fought for. It was so hard, for me to put the little pieces of ‘us’ together… I can’t afford to break all that we have right now. Even if it means that I’ll have to suffer this, pain, constantly.

I’m in a dilemma. (Sigh.) I know I shouldn’t confess to you again, but I can’t help myself. I needed to know if I was over you. Because he means so much to me right now. You simply can’t comprehend the pain that I’m feeling. Feeling so lost, and hurt at the same time. Nobody understands what I’m going through. Nobody.

I tried to keep up the smiling façade each time we talked. Whenever someone asked, it’ll forever be the same smile from me, that same grin, but the pang of pain that’s striking me inside… It’s hardly bearable; like all my insides are smashed up, into little pieces, like when someone dear to you just walked out on you, like when you suddenly realize, you’re all alone… They most probably don’t know, because they can’t feel what I’m feeling. Saying they understand, that they know the pain. That’s all bullshit! True that they may have experienced some form of hurt, pain before; but that doesn’t deem that they can just walk up to me, and tell me that they understand my pain? That they know what I’m going through?! You’re all bloody liars!

I won’t trust anyone. I most likely can’t. From the start, it was hard for me to open up to people, to get used to them. But when I do, it’s only then that I realize how alone I am. Let’s just use ‘you’ as an example. I gave all my trust and hopes onto you, I believed you truly cared for me, and all the ‘broken’ promises you made. I fell hard for you. And I felt betrayed by your actions. You just walked out of my life, as if I never mattered, as if we were always strangers… How much I wept over this, how much it hurt me, I guess you knew, but turned a blind eye. After all this, don’t expect me to let up, forget the past, and pretend that nothing happened, that nothing changed, because obviously something did.

From the moment your name was erased off the chat list on Facebook I felt as if a part of me was lost again. Maybe I'm overreacting. But I just can't live without anything to lean on. I feel like I'm falling. A free fall through the dark… Without anything to hold on to…

I know the hard truth, the consequences, but I want to challenge them. I want to challenge faith, trust, and everything I ever believed in. I’ve change drastically. I graduated from the naivety… I see more now, not just being blinded by you, and him. I see the truth, all the lies, and all the innocent. I’m no longer the innocent little girl you once knew, no longer the ‘Daddy’s girl’ that naively believed everything that you said. And frankly, sometimes, I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore than before; partly because I’m denying the truth from… myself. I don’t want to get hurt by the awful truth, throw myself back into the raging sea, immediately after I barely managed to scrape through an oncoming storm.