It's like that day doesn't exist to you.
You had forgotten what happened, and everything that you said.
If possible, I want to forget what you did, of what little memories we had.
I don’t wish to be like this. I hope we can start again.
Just like how we used to be…. Just like the picture perfect memories.
But I know we can't be anymore.
We all know it’s over.
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I’m not grieving about my loss here. I’m not going to. I drown myself in the everyday things, just in hopes of pushing you to the back of my mind. But, why does your name resound in my mind? Why is it that I see your face, every time I close my eyes? Why do I ‘hallucinate’ that you’ll appear in-front of me again, tell my how sorry you were? The small bits of anxiety attacks I get each time I think of you, each time I receive a text, every time I walk down the street…
Honestly, I won’t say I’m literally ‘following my heart’, because if I did, I’ll probably be off trashes off somewhere. It hurts each time I hear your name; it hurts whenever I think of you; it hurts most when I realize that I’m still infatuated with you.
Here’s a confession: Each time I think of you, I’ll smile secretly to myself. Each time I receive a text, I prayed for it to be from you. Each second spent thinking of you, would amount to at least a third of the day. And yes, I still ‘cut myself’, to feel the pain; to relish in the memories of you walking out of my life, permanently. The wounds healed, but the scars remained, making me cry myself to sleep every night, simply hurting me each time I see the angry pink lines, as if mocking me. Lastly, the last time I smiled genuinely towards others, was rare, and shield, sheltered from the pain inside, keeping my true emotions hidden.
It’s painful. Nobody said it wasn’t, but it’s doesn’t scar. That’s the scariest part of it all; it kills without evidences.
I’ve grew so accustomed to all these ill-feelings and bad thoughts that floods my mind from the moment I wake up to the time I shut my eyes that I forgot how normal and even happy I used to feel. I don’t like to see the world in grey - that much I know about myself. It is just so much easier to deem everything as right or wrong, to pass judgement, categorize and move on.
I sometimes think that the worst part of it all is not being able to remember what had transpired or how I felt clear as day but not knowing how I should see it. When I see you I feel this chill that runs down my spine. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. It throws me completely off guard and when we crossed paths I cannot think. When I see you I’m reminded that I am not the one in control. I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off without it all. I wouldn’t have to deal with something that I’ve never known. I cannot empty my mind.