Like the usual morning, chatting aimlessly with Samantha. I realize only then, my life wasn’t just as simple as I deemed it to be, it was much more. Friendships, kinships, relationships… All of a sudden, I was plunged back into a world I didn’t know existed; I was pulled back into reality check, and made to face the harsh raging storm all over again. When did this become an obligation? When did I fall so deep into it? Since when was it a necessity for me to do this, for all the tears, and silent pain?

Friendships. I always thought I was satisfied even if nobody cared about me. Even if the whole world turned their backs on me. I won’t deny that I used to be an introvert . Like nothing else matter in the world to me… Everything changed. You left. He left. When they all left, I was forced to stand up on my own, to push away all “help” people were trying to give. I couldn’t care less about them. Nothing mattered. Friends and such. They are just part of the materialistic mindset, we all have. I don’t mind to be alone, again. Faced with all the loneliness, the hurt of being alone. At least then, I won’t be faced with the pain and hurt from losing someone dear to me again. I’m not going to shun them away, neither am I going to accept them. Well, let’s just say, I’ll not feel anything towards ‘friends’, let it all be part of the majorly unimportant part in my life. That way, it won’t hurt me as much. I won’t feel obligated to them in any way.

Kinship. Well I’ve seriously got nothing to comment here. The feeling of insignificance. Like I don’t belong, like I’m some outsider. The constant quarrels, the unhappiness, and the tensed air at home. I can’t stand it! It wasn’t even my problem to begin with. Why must I be involved in your… I must say, childish behaviour. Don’t blame me if anything happens, scolding and blaming others. Why can’t you just see it as your own childish behaviour, that one else was at fault?! Dragging me into unwanted situations.. Forcing me to no ends. I know I cant complain, I know I have to accept that they are my family, there are bound to be friction along the way. But, I just need to let the steam out, I need to let everything inside me out. Regardless, or else, I don’t know if I’m able to handle the pressure, the pain, hurt, and all the judgmental views from others. Outside, I force a smile onto my face, I pretend that everything was alright, even when they are not, back home, I thought that finally I can have some peace and quiet, some time to myself, and this have to happen!? It’s now a matter of how long I’ll last before I break, and go completely insane. Kind of felt like I’m not needed anywhere, like my presence holds nothing of importance, like I’m nothing at all.

Relationship. Well, there’s nothing much to post about now, I mean, isn’t this whole blog about relationships problems of mine, well at least most of it. So I’m going to make a confession today. After all these years, I honestly don’t know if I still love you, or if I felt the need to because of circumstances. However, when I saw you, when you called, when your text messaged arrived, I felt as though my heart skipped a beat, as if its’ begging to urge out of my chest, like when you feel your adrenaline pump throughout your entire body, making you all uneasy, all worked up. The sleepless nights, that I spent thinking about you(and probably all the other crap in life.), the moments when tears fall just uncontrollably when your on my mind, the minute I realize you’re no longer mine, you’re no longer by my side, I worry to no ends, I shiver in pure fear that I’ll be forgotten by you, that I’m a nobody to you. Just when can I finally say it confidently that I’m over this? Sigh.
Well to sum it all up, simply, it means, I’m feeling out-casted once again. I feel that I’m not needed, anywhere, school, home, outside, everywhere. Whether I’m there or not, it makes no difference in anyone’s life, I’m just the insignificant, useless piece of shit. No one cares.

Fuck. I’ll just go back to the Em0-ness, let it all consume me, let the pain, the hurt, the negatives take me to greater heights. We’ll see, in due time, how far I’ll go in life…