Forgive me if I ever did something unexpected, and rude. Forgive me for all the wrong things that I’ve done. Be it all the good and all the bad, I want you to know, I’m going to change, even if you dislike it, I’m going to change not for you, but for a better me. Sigh. Wait for me, I’ll show you! Just you wait and see!

Ugh, seriously, that “massive” headache that I’ve got(?), well, it’s worst now. Thinking that it got to my eyesight, because everything is a blur. Everything’s a mess. Friday, rushed home from school, after 2days of sleepless nights, I was excited for my little “trip” to Resort World-Sentosa. Well, like I said, ‘Massive headache’, ‘2days of sleepless night’, and ‘Resort World-Sentosa’, bad choice. Everything just went… Blank. You see, I wasn’t feeling up to it, but I forced myself to be. Faked my way through, even towards the supposedly ‘kin’. On the brighter side, I went wild. Literally. Rides after rides, again and again. Towards the point such that the headache I’ve got, worsened. Well, knowing me, you’ll probably know I passed it off just as the norm. But hey, here’s the catch. It. Well. Kinda. Got. To. Me. Sick. Fever. And… probably all the possible crap you get. Yeah.

It was exhilarating, thrilling, awesome, great fun, and possible the one time this year I felt relieved. (Smiles). After hours of running around, having the time of my life… I was, naturally, beat dead. I could hardly feel myself. As if like any other day, where I feel myself lost, and numb. As tired as I was, I pushed myself over the limit, I went out, walked around aimlessly (while texting Aqmal, to keep from borderm…), I tire myself out. I blanked out. Well, for the good part of it, I managed back to the hotel and slumped onto the bed and knocked out, for the bad… well you know.

If not too much, I know I’m pushed to the limit, of whatever I could ever comprehend. But I didn’t care less. I could hardly be bothered by it. I wasn’t here to abide the unwritten rules. Yes, I’m not going to back down even if I was the only one there. I choose MY life, I make MY choices, I make MY mistakes, and I solve them MYSELF! Not me going by YOUR book, me listening to everything YOU say, not me kissing YOUR ass, and sucking up to YOU! Fuck. Why the heck am I so fucked up? So much less in control of my emotions? I used to be able to hold them in, to keep them to myself, to stay focus, and leave them out of my life. Not now, not anymore. I can no longer lie my way through pretending its nothing… I can’t conceal the pain I feel inside.

And all I know clear enough, without doubt, is that…. I love you. Truly. Honestly. With everything I have in me. I’m dedicated, some would say. I’m inflexible, others say. I’m just plain stupid, and being an ass, I would say. I know myself better than others do, but at times, I just… I can’t even understand myself. “Lost”, is what I always describe it as….

You know, when you told me your story, when you tried to “enlighten” me… I wasn’t happy that I get to know you better. I felt jealousy raise in leaps inside me. I know I shouldn’t, because you didn’t know. But a small part of me felt the need and urgency to scream it to you… The sensible part of me, hide my emotions under the façade of a smile. Contradicting, yes. To simplify it, I love you, but you don’t feel the same. I wanted your happiness, even if without me, yet I wanted you.

In what way, am I able to let you know my true and honest feelings, without hurting the hard built friendship/kinship between us?