I don’t know anything anymore. Am I really happy that things turned out this way? Knowing that you’re not coming back, anymore. That it was our last straw, I can’t even let out all the emotions filling me. I was glad though, that this time, you left me a proper farewell. I’m grateful for it.

Fuck. I know it’s useless to harp on the past. I can’t help it okay?! It’s like telling me how to breathe all over again, I know what I’m doing, I don’t need you to tell me what not. It’s not a one day thing, I can’t just say I’m fine overnight… You know that much. And heck, you didn’t care.

I fell in love, deep and hard with him, probably. It hurts to get up and out of it, but I’ve got to someday. His like a first crush, a first love, a first introduction to relationship to me; he’s like a child memory, so distant from me, right now. I love him, maybe even now. He doesn’t know, and I swore I won’t tell. Ironic huh?

I know all that shit about letting go of the past, about moving on. Yes. Just tell me, like as if I didn’t know better. I just can’t help it. Falling hard, and fast. So madly in love with him, and yet being pulled apart by an unknown force. I know he doesn’t feel the same, but I don’t blame him. I’m just happy he’s still willing to make me his best friend, or so I thought.

Because till the end, I still can’t bring myself to hate you, and him. I still can’t let myself be free, for that matter. It was hard walking away, turning my back on what obviously is so important, and dear to me. It hurts to look back, move on, and leave everything behind. It hurts to know everything was but a dream so real.

I know this sounds cliché, but I’m still going to say/type it. “I love you. You’re constantly on my mind, every time I close my eyes, I see you… I see myself hurting you. Tear welled up in my eyes, but I had my constant battle with them since, forever.”

Sorry.

I love you more than I did before. And if today I don’t see your face, nothing’s changed; no one can take your place. It gets harder everyday. I’m sorry it’s this way. But I’m coming home, I’ll be coming home. And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay. But you probably won’t, so I’ll leave the fuck out of your life.

Because in the end, I’ll never be good enough for you…