I’m happy yet I’m sad. It’s like I have everything yet I’m missing something. I just can’t seem to put my finger on it. I can’t seem to smile, most of the time I just want to cry. Every day I try but I get nowhere. I’m on the verge of falling. I’m holding on the edge, I can’t let go and for some reason I have no control.
You know the smile that I always have on? It’s… Well, coming off. I always try to smile so the hurt won’t show, and tell everybody I was glad to see you go, but the tears just won’t go away. It just won’t. For some, it may seem like I just can’t get over the past, for others, I’m too sentimental. I’m not here for anyone to judge me, neither am I here to satisfy you. GET A LIFE!
Ugh, I feel so FUCKING drained. I’ve been faking the same old poker face, I’m tired. Seriously. Sometimes, I just need to be alone, and seriously cry my heart out. ALONE! There has been so much piling up, so much pain and sorrow; I need to let them out, let myself break down. If not, I don’t know what’ll happen.
Remember, you were always there when I was about to break down? When I felt the slightest hurt? YOU WERE THERE FOR ME! Now, you’re not; for better or for worst. For better, it made me stronger, I learnt to hide my feelings, learnt to keep that poker face, I became a lifeless soul, no longer showing my earnest emotion in front of others, For worst, it was not encouraging, you promised me many things, but you didn’t even uphold a single one. I was really disappointed in you, in me. Sorry. I returned to harming myself, for once, I gave up. There was no point, no one cared, not you, not me, not my friends.
The once comfortable shoulder, the shoulder that I needed the most, whenever I felt the need to break down, is no longer here. I don’t usually break down. If I’m right, the last time I did was in 2008, when I was in Secondary 1, when you left, around the same time, he confessed. That was the first time I ever did break down. That was the only once I did. Now, I can’t guarantee that I can hold back the urge to break down, the need to fall, and cry.
I just realized, how alone I am. Without you, without him. I feel alone, and lonely. I drown myself in work, in pleasure (not that I could really enjoy it), in pain. I feel empty. All I need… I don’t even know what I need now. I… I need, …
I’m scared to say goodbye to anyone now, I don’t want to suffer a loss again. Even if till tomorrow, I don’t want to say goodbye, who knows what will happen? Just like Grandma, she was fine, okay, maybe just a little sick, I was with her through the night, and I was there with her! I
I don’t cry in front of anyone, simply because I don’t want their pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity, sympathy, or whatever. It’s doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt, and pain. I do, I just don’t show it on my face, in front of everyone. I’ll be okay, trust me, at least for tonight.
I hope this queasy feeling pass soon, I don’t like it. I feel sick. I don’t like the pain anymore, it hurts.
There is no comfort. There is no love. There is no affection. There is just the pain and loneliness consuming me.