I wonder how I really feel about him… Sorry that I couldn’t set things right. Sorry that I made you feel responsible. Sorry that I made things difficult for you. Sorry I couldn’t make the decision there and then. Sorry that I always try to avoid that topic. Sorry that I’m always acting like a coward.

You were always there for me. Yet I never noticed. I never paid attention to you. Worst of all, I took things for granted. I regretted everything. Sorry. Its always like this, I only realized how much you meant to me, when you left. I don’t deserve anything. I’m a hopeless sore loser.

Guilt. I feel so remorseful. I feel like I’ve let you down. I feel like I should not have done whatever I’ve done. I don’t deserve to be your GF. Much less your friend even. Sorry that I’m like that. Sorry that I’m such an idiot. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I seem to have forgotten a lot of things. Since young, I’ve always been categorized as a ‘big sister’. I’m always expected to be matured, to do things right, set an example for others. I used to hate life. But you came into my life, and you showed me that its ok to occasionally throw a fit, occasionally be just me. Really, thank you.

You are always like my brother. Always protecting me. Always cheering me up. You’re always there for me.

You’re the first person I actually really told the truth about how I feel. You’re the first. All along I’ve been bottling up my feelings, you came, and you listened…. Now, you left. You’re really the first. You never pressurize me to tell you anything. You said, “I’ll wait till you’re ready to let me know… no matter how long it takes. I’ll wait.” That’s what you said.

I’m stupid, idiotic, and a retard. Why cant I understand something as simple? You told me to always stay happy, that’s the best gift I could give you. But why do I sense that, you’re unhappy. You always had this side to you that’s always seemed like crying. There always seem to be something bothering you. Something, you don’t want anyone to know. Not even me. Why is that so? Why couldn’t you tell me? Why do you have to hide it?

Its always me who poured out my emotion to you, you never told me your problems...
perhaps you thought that i wont be of help, that why you didn't. I used to think that way, before too. But you came and showed me that by bottling up, nothing will change, but by tell someone, you'll feel better. Why cant you apply that to yourself. I'm always open to be a listening ear. Always ready to help. I know I'm a lot younger, and probably I wont understand anything. Despite this, I still want to help you out.

An age gap of 6years... Its weird, eh? I wonder if any of my classmate has friends as old as you. I wonder if I'm odd. Since I've met you, I learnt a lot. I was also able to 'act' more like myself. I was able to throw away that 'big sister' image... I just feels weird. Still, I hoped that you'll always stay be my side, and help me. Occasionally, I want to help you too. I guess, that it's impossible now, eh?
'Cuz you're gone, you left.
'Cuz I'm no longer the same as before.
'Cuz... maybe you felt that I'm strong enough, even without you.
I'm sorry. I really am. I miss you.

I'm not as strong as you think I am. I only act strong and fierce, so that I could hide how I really feel inside, so that I wont be a target for bully. I thought you knew this. Perhaps I was wrong. Just like everyone else... No one noticed how I really felt inside, every single day... it only gets worst.

Why did I have to build a wall around myself? What exactly was I afraid of? I really hate myself. Since you came into my life, I poured out my problems to you... But now that you're gone, I bottle them up again. I became the person that I once used to be.